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Udder nonsense: Remember, ‘an almond doesn’t lactate’

We have seen many confusing proclamations come from our governing bodies lately. The Supreme Court’s decisions have compromised its credibility and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, both political parties, the police and the presidency have also been undermined by pronouncements. Congress’ approval ratings are at near all-time lows. Add the Food and Drug Administration to the list of those agencies that have lost credibility.

Recently, the FDA proposed that makers of plant-based beverages can keep the word “milk” in their names. That means oat, soy and almond drinks are milk. Really?

Milk refers to the fluid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals for the nourishment of their young.

In 2018, former FDA director, Dr. Scott Gottlieb declared “an almond doesn’t lactate.” How did we get from that common-sense position to this recent one that includes plant-based milk alternatives?

Language is ever-changing. Consider the drastically different meanings of some words like “sick,” which used to mean ill and now can mean excellent. “Bad” used to mean of poor quality, evil, depraved, the opposite of good. Now bad is good, even better than good. How are we supposed to navigate the English language when words are allowed to switch their meanings to the opposite? I won’t get into the variations of the word “woke,” which can change meanings depending on the political beliefs of the speaker and the listener.

I suggest that instead of changing the definitions of longstanding words, we add a descriptive adjective to better explain. Imitation crab tells us it is not real crab. Plant-based beverages should be labeled as such because they are most definitely not milk. Perhaps juice is a better word.

The FDA did attempt to salvage a little of its dignity by making a concession to the nation’s traditional milk producers. It recommended that packaging for plant-based drinks make clear the nutritional differences between those products and cow’s milk. Plant-based beverages have less protein, calcium and vitamin D than real milk. The FDA plans to issue a final decision after another period of public comment. Are you with me? Together, let us rise up and save milk!

I bet Aimen Halim agrees with me on this. The Chicago-area man is suing Buffalo Wild Wings for false advertising, rightly claiming that their boneless chicken wings are not wings. They are pieces of breaded chicken breast, more like chicken nuggets. Amen, Aimen! The Associated Press explored this subject before the Super Bowl, during which more than 1.45 billion chicken wings would be served. The AP called them a “tasty culinary lie.”

Still not convinced to join the save milk movement? OK, but just know that you will be contributing to the exploitation of young monkeys. Young monkeys in Thailand are taken from their families and used for forced slave labor. (I’m not making this up.) They are trained to climb tall trees and pick coconuts that are used to make coconut “milk” for sale.

There is certainly a need for milk substitutes for those who choose a vegan diet, are lactose intolerant or who have life-threatening allergies to milk. But let’s not add to language confusion and increase the number of lies we have in society today. That’s George Santos’ job.

There is a second definition of milk: “to exploit or defraud (someone) typically by taking regular small amounts of money over a period of time.”

This one seems to fit the plant-based “milk” sellers better.

Jim Cross is a retired Fort Lewis College professor and basketball coach.