By the time you’re reading this, the Roman Catholic Church has had a new Pope for some weeks now. What a spectacle it was. The whole world seemed to watch with bated breath – whatever that means – as centuries-old traditions played out before our eyes. I say "spectacle" with no disrespect. It was a solemn and fascinating process.
But what does any of this have to do with relationships, peace, and getting along?
Just this: while there are roughly 1.4 billion Catholics in the world, that leaves approximately 7 billion who are not. That’s a whole lot of people with a wide variety of beliefs – from ultra-secular to ultra-religious and everything in between.
When I lead workshops, I sometimes ask participants to look around the room and find someone they think is exactly like them. They smile, glance around, and quickly realize the obvious – no two people are exactly alike. On the entire planet, you are unique. So is everyone else. As my friend Jim Baker says, “Be yourself – everyone else is already taken.”
That means you’ll never find anyone who agrees with you on everything. In fact, you probably don’t even agree with yourself 100% of the time. So, the potential for conflict is always present.
When disagreement arises, consider asking yourself a few questions before jumping in:
1.Is this issue important enough to address?
2.Might it resolve on its own?
3.Is it damaging your relationship with the person?
4.Are you the right person to bring it up?
5.Would it help to involve a neutral third party?
6.Can you truly overlook it and still maintain the relationship?
You could likely come up with more criteria to help decide if you should deal with a matter or not. My encouragement is that you step back and consider the situation from various viewpoints before you just rush into a conversation or confrontation. I believe the expression “fools rush in where angels dare to tread” may have some application here.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but stepping back before reacting can save a lot of heartache. One concept I’ve heard from friends in the oil field is “five-by-five.” It means when you come across a situation or problem you do not fully understand, take five steps back and wait five minutes before responding—unless it’s an emergency, of course. A little distance and a little time can bring clarity and calm.
It reminds me of something George Thompson, co-author of “Verbal Judo,” once said: “Never use words that rise readily to your lips, or you’ll give the greatest speech you’ll ever live to regret.” That advice has saved me more than once.
Often, conflict stems not from the issue itself, but from our internal state. If I’m already upset or stressed, it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. But when I’m at peace with myself, I’m far less likely to overreact.
That’s why practicing “five-by-five” or other pause strategies can make such a difference. Take a moment. Breathe. Get perspective.
I don’t recall anyone ever saying that life would or should be easy. It’s also true that we often make it more difficult than it needs to be, especially in terms of relationships. So I challenge you, as I challenge myself, to engage with people who hold different political, social, ethnic, or religious views than you do and see what you can learn from them. Ask questions. Listen. Learn. With this attitude, I can just about guarantee you will have less conflict in your life, plus you stand to learn a whole lot. Sounds worthwhile to me. What say you?
Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.
