A uniquely American heartbreak: Combating isolation and violence through mentorship and community care

Only in America do parents have to send their children to school with the fear that they may not come home because of a shooting. As a mother to a 9-year-old, this is extremely concerning to me.

This is a uniquely American heartbreak. While school shootings are virtually unheard of in other countries, they have become devastatingly common in the United States, which has exponentially more than any other nation. According to CNN and World Population Review, between 2009 and 2018, America suffered 288 school shootings, followed by Mexico with eight and South Africa with six.

Most advocacy around school shootings focuses on gun laws. While I absolutely agree with stricter gun laws, I believe we need to look deeper than gun access and ask ourselves why young people are driven to the extreme, obscene desire to murder their peers.

To me, all of these heartbreaking school shootings – most often carried out by very lost, miserable young men – are a clear sign that boys are struggling. It’s hard to be a teen boy in a country that has left them without enough male role models, practices to handle their emotions or meaningful rites of passage into manhood.

We live in a time when young men must be pretty confused about who they are expected to be. On the one hand, for years, patriarchy has promoted a kind of masculinity rooted in aggressive strength, emotional stoicism and that success is measured in accumulation and winning. On the other hand, recent pushback can carry an opposing extreme, that men should be soft, apologetic for their masculinity and constantly needing to prove they’re “one of the good ones.”

When reading about perpetrators in school shootings, it’s clear that often these young men had a challenging home life. Many have histories of depression and even suicidal ideation. Many feel isolated or marginalized. Many experienced early childhood trauma, abuse, family violence, neglect or broken home situations. Many experienced a recent crisis that left them feeling wronged, such as bullying.

It’s our human nature to want to belong. It’s not surprising to me that some of these hurt, confused young men turn to extremist groups to find a sense of belonging. Desmond Holly, the perpetrator of the recent Evergreen school shooting, “spent substantial amounts of time in online spaces featuring extremist ideologies and violent content,” according to the Anti-Defamation League Center on Extremism.

Mental health interventions at school are very important in addressing school shootings in America. But I also think that every one of us can do our part to slow the tide.

If you are raising children, teach them to be kind – not just to the kids who fit in easily, but especially to the “different” ones. Not just tolerant, but inclusive. Teach them not to stay silent in the face of shaming or exclusivity, but to speak up.

If you’re a father of a boy, know that your presence matters more than you realize. Boys learn what it means to be a man by watching you. Show them that strength can coexist with tenderness, that courage includes admitting mistakes and that feelings are not weakness. Demonstrate mature masculine qualities: helping your neighbors, being steady during times of crisis, harnessing your strength and energy for worthy projects.

Model emotional health. Show boys (and girls) that strength includes the ability to express feelings, ask for help and care for others. Learn and practice tools to help you manage your emotions, such as mindful breathing, grounding techniques and practices that bring you back to center.

Support community programs that offer mentorship, after-school activities or mental health resources. Advocate for schools to include social-emotional learning, mindfulness or restorative practices alongside academics.

If you own a gun, make sure that it is inaccessible to anyone but you.

If you have children, be vigilant of their screen time. Make sure you know who they are communicating with and what websites they are browsing.

Our boys don’t just need discipline or achievement. They need connection, belonging, mentorship, purpose and love. And each of us has a role to play in giving them that.

Here are some organizations that support young people in Montezuma County:

Lily Russo of Mancos is an Ayurvedic practitioner, yoga teacher, wellness event organizer, artist and mom. Visit lilyrussoyoga.com.