A uniquely American heartbreak: Combating isolation and violence through mentorship and community care

Nowhere else in the world do parents have to send their children to school with the fear that they may not come home because of a shooting. As a mother to a 9 year old boy, this is extremely concerning to me. The most recent tragedy at Evergreen High School is just one in a long list of devastating school shootings in Colorado.

This is a uniquely American heartbreak. While school shootings are virtually unheard of in most other countries, they have become a devastatingly common reality in the United States. Year after year, the statistics show the same chilling truth: the U.S. has far more school shootings than any other nation. According to data compiled by CNN and World Population Review, between 2009 and 2018, the United States suffered 288 school shootings. The next highest on the list were Mexico with 8 and South Africa with 6.

Most advocacy around school shootings focuses on gun laws. While I absolutely agree with policies that limit the types of guns allowed and make ownership subject to stricter laws, I think as a nation we need to look deeper than gun access and ask ourselves why young people are driven to the extreme and obscene desire to kill their peers at school?

To me, all of these heart breaking school shootings – most often carried out by very lost and miserable young men – are a clear sign that our boys are struggling. It’s hard to be a teen boy in a country that has left them without real guidance, without enough positive male role models, without tools and practices to handle their emotions, and without meaningful rites of passage into manhood.

We live in a time when young men must be pretty confused about who they are expected to be. On the one hand, for years patriarchy has promoted a kind of masculinity rooted in aggressive strength, emotional stoicism, and that success is measured in accumulation and winning. On the other hand, recent pushback can carry an opposing extreme, that men should be soft, endlessly accommodating, apologetic for their masculinity. and constantly self-monitoring to prove they’re “one of the good ones.”

When reading about young men who have been perpetrators in school shootings, it’s often clear that they had a challenging home life, scoring points on the ACES test (Adverse Childhood Experiences). Many have histories of depression and even suicidal ideation or behavior. Many feel isolated or marginalized. Many experienced early childhood trauma, abuse, family violence, neglect, or broken home situations. Many experienced a recent crisis at home or at school that left them feeling wronged, such as bullying.

It’s our human nature to want to belong and feel accepted. It’s not surprising to me that some of the lost, lonely, confused young men turn to extremist groups to find a sense of belonging. Desmond Holly, the perpetrator of the recent Evergreen school shooting, “spent substantial amounts of time in online spaces featuring extremist ideologies and violent content” according to the Anti-Defamation League Center on Extremism.

I believe that mental health interventions via counselors and psychologists at school are really important in addressing school shootings in America. And I also think that every one of us can do our part in some way to slow the tide. Here are some ideas:

If you are raising children, teach them to be kind – not just to the kids who fit in easily, but especially to the “different” ones. Not just tolerant, but inclusive. Teach them not to stay silent in the face of shaming, exclusivity, or mean talk, but to have the courage to speak up.

If you’re a father of a boy, know that your presence matters more than you may realize. Boys learn what it means to be a man by watching you. Show them that strength can coexist with tenderness, that courage includes admitting mistakes, and that feelings are not weakness. Demonstrate mature masculine qualities: being of service to those who are weaker physically, helping your neighbors, being steady during times of crisis, harnessing your strength and energy for worthy projects.

If you work with young people, create spaces where they feel safe, accepted, and truly seen. Share your wisdom, your experiences, your struggles, and your gifts. Let them know they belong and that they matter.

If you’re a man, consider mentoring a younger boy or teen. Even a little time – teaching a skill, listening without judgment, or simply showing up consistently – can plant seeds that last a lifetime.

Model emotional health. Show boys (and girls) that strength includes the ability to express feelings, ask for help, and care for others. Normalize vulnerability as part of being human, not a weakness. Learn and practice tools that help you manage your emotions, like mindful breathing, grounding techniques, and somatic practices that bring you back to center.

Support community programs that offer mentorship, after-school activities, or mental health resources. Advocate for schools to include social-emotional learning, mindfulness, or restorative practices alongside academics.

Create or participate in rites of passage. Boys need to be guided into manhood with intention. This could be as simple as a hiking trip, a ceremony with elders, or a group project that demands responsibility and leadership.

If you own a gun, make sure that it is well locked, and inaccessible to anyone but you.

If you have teens or children, be vigilant of their screen time. Make sure you know who they are communicating with and what websites they are browsing.

Practice what you preach. Every act of kindness, every conversation where you listen deeply, every moment you treat others with dignity – we are teaching young people how to be.

Our boys don’t just need discipline or achievement. They need connection, belonging, mentorship, purpose, and love. And each of us has a role to play in giving them that.

Here are some organizations with resources for young people in Montezuma County:

Lily Russo of Mancos is an Ayurvedic practitioner, yoga teacher, wellness event organizer, artist and mom. Visit lilyrussoyoga.com.