Several years ago, a commercial featured a soap opera star dressed like a physician, saying, “I’m not a doctor, but I do play one on TV.” He then went on to advocate for a particular brand of cough medicine.
For the past few columns, I have written about “germs” that can infect, sicken, and ultimately destroy relationships. I assure you, I am not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV. I have, however, learned some valuable ways to prevent these germs from infecting your relationships, or to bring about a cure if they have already have. That’s what I plan to write about in the coming weeks.
The first germ we looked at is Escalation. As I mentioned previously, I first learned about this and most of the other germs from workshops I attended with PREP, Inc.
You likely recognize Escalation because it occurs in just about every relationship at times. You see it when two or more people engage in a conversation that begins to rise in volume and intensity. If allowed to go unchecked, Escalation can quickly devolve into attack and defend, attack and defend, ad nauseam.
Again, you have likely engaged in Escalation at some time or times in your life with a co-worker, family member, etc. So long as it is sporadic and not too intense, most relationships can avoid serious or lasting damage. Left untreated, or when it becomes a recurring pattern, Escalation can eventually suck the life out of a relationship and ultimately bury it.
My favorite antidote to this germ is to call a timeout the correct way. When a conversation begins to turn ugly, one of the participants is likely going to say “that’s it – time out” and walk away.
Did they stop the arguing? Please say yes. But did they stop the argument? Please say no.
They called a timeout, but they did it the wrong way. By abruptly leaving a conversation, you leave the other party wondering if you plan to return at any point, or if they are ever going to have a chance to be understood by you on the matter.
Escalation often occurs because each person is trying to be understood, and neither is much interested in understanding the other. This results in “shoot ‘n reload” communication, which I’m confident we’ll come back to in a future column.
The correct way to call a timeout is to let the other person know it is a temporary pause, and that you are willing to reengage in the conversation at a later point – typically within 24 hours.
Please note, this is a timeout, not a cop-out. If another person with whom you have a relationship wants to speak with you, you have the right to say not now. If you care about them or the relationship, you do not have the right to say not ever.
Keep in mind, chances are the roles might be reversed at some point, and you will want to speak about a matter or concern that they do not wish to speak about. Therefore, if faced with a difficult or challenging conversation that another requests, you are likely best served by agreeing to engage.
You have the right to request using the Speaker-Listener Technique, otherwise known as the LUV Talk, but we’ll come back to that in a future column.
In the meantime, please consider the positive impact of rescheduling a conversation until one or both parties are in a proper state to converse effectively. Keep in mind, if you request the timeout, you owe it to the other to assure them they will be heard sooner rather than later. I’m confident this will help limit, if not eliminate, Escalation from your interactions.
Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.
