Editor’s note: This is the third column in a five-part series.
For the past columns, I’ve been writing about germs that can infect and kill off relationships, citing research from PREP Inc. The first two are Escalation, where little things become big things, and Negative Interpretations, where we misread one another and assume the worst.
This week, we’ll look at what I consider the worst germ of them all: invalidation.
You see invalidation all around you every day. It sends the message, “I don’t think very highly of you,” or “you’re not worth much,” whether through words, tone, looks or actions. It can show up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissive comments or simply ignoring someone altogether. Most of us learn to brush off invalidation from strangers. But when it comes from a family member, coworker or someone close to us, it can cut deeply.
Every once in a while, you meet someone who is truly comfortable in their own skin. Even then, I suspect they still experience some negative self-talk. For many of us, that internal voice shows up regularly: “Why did you do that?” “How could you be so careless?” “Can’t you do anything right?”
If those thoughts are already running in our heads, the last thing we need is someone close to us confirming them. Even if those thoughts are false, invalidation can make them feel true. And once that happens, it can begin to shape how we see ourselves and how we show up in the relationship.
There are many theories about why we struggle with negative self-talk, but one thing is certain: You are not alone. Chances are, your spouse, coworkers, children and friends are dealing with the same challenge, even if they don’t talk about it.
My own theory is that it starts early. We try to walk and fall. We try to hold a cup and drop it. Then we go to school, where others quickly point out our mistakes. By the time we reach middle or high school, those messages can become deeply ingrained. Over time, they can become part of the soundtrack in our minds.
Dr. Daniel Amen, author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, calls these ANTs, or Automatic Negative Thoughts. Most of us have plenty of them. They can be exaggerated, irrational and simply untrue, yet they show up anyway.
Amen suggests strengthening the frontal lobe part of our brain so we can challenge those thoughts. We can question them, test them and replace them with something more accurate. They only have the power we choose to give them. But when someone else invalidates us, those thoughts can gain strength. That’s what makes invalidation so damaging. It doesn’t stop at the ears; it hits the heart.
So what can you do if invalidation shows up in an important relationship?
If you are on the receiving end, try not to take every comment personally. Not everything is about you, even when it feels that way. Sometimes what is said has more to do with the other person’s frustration, stress or insecurity than with you. That doesn’t make it right, but it may help you keep it in perspective.
If you recognize that you are on the giving end, this is one habit you simply have to stop. Relationships cannot withstand ongoing invalidation and remain healthy. They just can’t. Even occasional put-downs can erode trust over time.
It also helps to remember that we often put others down when we are frustrated with ourselves. We can only criticize ourselves for so long before it spills over onto someone else. It may feel like putting someone else down will lift us, but it never does. In fact, it usually creates more distance and tension.
So here’s something to try this week: Look for the good in others. Make it a point to notice what they are doing right, not just what they are doing wrong. Say it out loud. Give genuine appreciation when you see it.
Become a consistent validator, and you may find your relationships growing stronger, your conversations becoming more positive and your sandbox a little more enjoyable.
Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com or 505-324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.
