Stopping the gossip cycle

Last time we looked at the damage caused by gossip, rumors and innuendo. I described such behavior as a cancer that, if left unchecked, can destroy relationships, work teams and even families. I promised that this week we would look at practical steps you can take to minimize, if not eliminate, this behavior.

It is important to begin by recognizing that you cannot control what other people do. You can only control what you do. So rather than worrying about the behavior of others, it’s far more productive to focus on yourself.

When tempted to pass along a juicy bit of gossip, it can help to pause and ask yourself a few simple questions:

The hope, of course, is that honest answers to these questions will stop you before you engage in gossip, spread rumors or make derogatory remarks about another person. Even taking a brief moment to reflect often gives you the time needed to choose a better response.

Rotary International, a worldwide civic organization now in its second century, offers another helpful guideline. There is a local Rotary Club that meets at the Elks Lodge in Farmington every Tuesday at noon. Around the world, Rotary includes more than 1.2 million members in more than 33,000 clubs.

Each week, Rotarians recite what is known as the Four–Way Test. It consists of four questions that members are encouraged to ask themselves before taking actions that affect others:

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or, as Paris Hilton once said, a rocket surgeon, to realize that pausing to consider these questions will likely lead to actions that build relationships rather than destroy them.

Imagine what it might be like if every member of your workplace, church, civic club or family made a habit of speaking only words that passed this test. It may sound a bit idealistic, but every positive change begins somewhere. Why not let it begin with you?

I once heard a story about a pastor who kept a complaint book. Whenever someone came to him with a complaint about another church member, the pastor would pull out the book and say he wanted to write the complaint down carefully so he could address it properly.

Then he would ask the person bringing the complaint to sign the entry so he would know he had their support when he approached the other individual.

You can probably guess the outcome. The complaint book remained blank.

That story is not meant as a criticism of churchgoers. In truth, it simply reflects human nature. Many people are willing to complain about others as long as they can do so anonymously and without consequences. And in today’s world of social media, that tendency has only become easier and far too frequent.

So here is my challenge to you, and to myself.

The next time you hear gossip, a rumor or an innuendo about someone, gently ask whether the speaker has taken the concern directly to the person involved. Let them know, kindly but firmly, that you would not want to be the subject of such conversation and that you prefer not to participate in it.

If enough of us are willing to do this, gossip will lose much of its power.

So there’s my best advice: “just stop it.” To back up my advice, I urge you to visit YouTube and watch Bob Newhart’s clip titled “Just Stop It!” It’s about six minutes of great humor and parody, and it might remind you of what you should do when next faced with the challenge of hurting a fellow human being.

Sometimes the best advice really is that simple.

Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324–6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.