Last time I wrote about the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Dr. Stephen R. Covey, focusing on Habit Four: “Think Win-Win.” Hopefully, I made the case that while a win-win outcome may not always be attainable, it is always helpful to maintain an attitude of thinking win-win whenever you are in a dispute or negotiation with others.
This week, I want to give you an outline that may help you in this endeavor.
Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Denver. She developed a tool called the Win-Win Waltz Worksheet. You begin the Win-Win Waltz by having each person specify his or her initial position on the subject in dispute. Positions, as you’ll soon discover, are often not what is actually at stake and often not even what the person really wants. That’s what makes the next step so important.
Once the initial positions are identified, you then detail each party’s underlying concerns. Here is where you might ask the shortest question in the English language, the question we tire of hearing from young children – “Why?”. Ask yourself and the other person, “Why do you want this?” Or, put another way, “If you got what you’re asking for, what would that do for you?” Once you’ve asked this question, you must listen carefully for the answer. When people argue from positions, as we all have done, there is often no win-win outcome possible. When they discuss from the standpoint of true interests, there may be many ways for each to get what they truly need.
So, in the second step of the Waltz, each party lists as specifically as possible what their underlying concerns and true objectives are. I guess there’s no limit to how many each party may bring to the table, but it seems that meeting a few true objectives well is preferable to meeting numerous lesser needs only moderately. I’ll leave that up to you to decide.
Once you’ve identified each party’s positions and underlying concerns, you are now ready to consider options. At this point, each party suggests a potential resolution that seeks a win-win outcome. Chances are that one of these proposals may be totally acceptable to both, and the matter is resolved. What might also happen, however, is that a totally new idea may develop, which has components of each one’s suggestions. Don’t be surprised if that new idea spurs another and perhaps another.
I do not have a “pie-in-the-sky” outlook on life, nor do I believe we live in a perfect world where all disputes can easily be resolved. I’ve lived long enough to know that’s not the case. I’ve also learned, however, that one of the most important steps in resolving a dispute is the attitude each one brings to the negotiating table. If you perceive the other as your enemy, your adversary, then you must take steps to protect yourself from their “anticipated” attacks. You might be led to follow the adage that “a good offense is better than a good defense” (actually, I think the true adage is the reverse, but you know what I mean).
Because you view the other in a negative light, you will likely treat him or her negatively. If indeed he or she is your enemy, then all of your defensive moves make sense. If, however, you could somehow look at the other as an ally, as one who has an interest in resolving the matter with you, then treating them negatively makes no sense at all. By striving to view the other as an ally rather than an enemy – at least until proven otherwise -you are in a much better state of mind to resolve your differences both in the short term and the long.
Though conflict management is not always easy, I wholeheartedly recommend you implement Think Win-Win and the Win-Win Waltz in your important relationships. I’m confident you’ll be glad you did.
Shirttail: Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.
